As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
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How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free