my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
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“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY