My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
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hmmm
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.