can I use a minion as a tampon
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Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My sex drive has a dui
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no