I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Breaking news:
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?