Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
You Might Also Like
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.