Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
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I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
jesus: hey dad
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants