Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
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yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
this is the greatest thing ever
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.