My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
You Might Also Like
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped