her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
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Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full