*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
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love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.