Spa day..😅
You Might Also Like
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me: