Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
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Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Go hard or stay average
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.