@mdob11 I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
@trevso_electric Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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@mdob11 
@Reverend_Scott Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
@Boleyngirly I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
@weinerdog4life Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
@Swishergirl24 The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
@CornOnTheGoblin “Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
@InternalJane overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
@Brianhopecomedy My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
@Beerbastard69 Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
@Loli_Sug Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl