Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

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I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.


Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.


I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..


Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.


The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.


“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”


“Because you don’t b-”



overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”


My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.


Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.


Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl