Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”