@trevso_electric

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

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@jonnysun

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

@IvoryGazelle

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

@clichedout

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

@SufficientCharm

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

@EndhooS

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

@MissHavisham

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

@50NerdsofGrey

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.