Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments