@jonnysun this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
@trevso_electric Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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@jonnysun 
@Rollinintheseat I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
@will6848 
@IvoryGazelle I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
@clichedout nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
@SufficientCharm *weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
@EndhooS [Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
@_Tempo11 Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
@MissHavisham “Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
@50NerdsofGrey ‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.