Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
You Might Also Like
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist