@trevso_electric

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

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@mdob11

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

@Reverend_Scott

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

@Boleyngirly

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

@weinerdog4life

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

@Swishergirl24

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

@CornOnTheGoblin

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

@InternalJane

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

@Beerbastard69

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

@Loli_Sug

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl