If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
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What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins