i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
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Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Pee pressure > peer pressure
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
me when i see my girls butt
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.