Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907