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LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.