My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
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ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
This took me a second..
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.