who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
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Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Trumpy Cat
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.