Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
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I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.