Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
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[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.