ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
You Might Also Like
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Finally, an explanation.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…