The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
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Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
“Oh honey, I love it!”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
what’s the point then??
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’