The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
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“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT