The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
![]()
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
![]()
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*