It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
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me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*