Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
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I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Life hack
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Attacked by a mop.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.