Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
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Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
White parent Vs Arab parents
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.