my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
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Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators