I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
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Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
cats when you pet them too long:
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.