I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
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No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
eggs benadryl
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
i want enemies
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis