Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
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HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
What the hell is going on?
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!