M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
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I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.