Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
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Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.