I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
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Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.