Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
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“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.