[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
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My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”