At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
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The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.