What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
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It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.