Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
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YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!