Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
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[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”
But does my hair look good?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*table floats up to ceiling*
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?
-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.