Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
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[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.