It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
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Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Meow
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go