An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
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I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
english majors be like furthermore
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.