Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
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“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Passed by a old school Math example today.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
#SaturdayBears
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.