*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
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George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.