I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.![]()
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DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Rt to bother an English speaker
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Scream sneezers need love too.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
They’re the worst 😩
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*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
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Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill