Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?

Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…