Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
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No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
😅🤣😂
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Geez man, take it easy.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
this is the greatest thing ever
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.