you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
good work, detective
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
“what’s it like having a sister?”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate