Just why bro?!
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“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
eggs benadryl
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.