Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
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You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Chicken bread
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
This fish is cracking me up