Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
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My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Breaking news:
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today