Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
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*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Nose
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
The glory of fall.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?