If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
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When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
My dog ate my work from home.