[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
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It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
stop
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”