[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
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[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.