I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
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Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Good advice.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.