My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
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Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.